Restless.
I found a new webcomic, Planet Karen.

It's spooky how much I can identify with it. XD

I was doing a search for new and interesting webcomics, and wasn't even being specific about it: I went to Google, typed in "webcomics", selected the first link, saw this featured on the site, and had at it.

I am so glad I did. :D

It makes me wonder what I should do with my writing. Should I just latch on to the idea of Cib and I doing a webcomic together, and not leave her alone about it until it starts to become something? I mean, this was her most recent romance advice, so....

So there's that. And then there's the conflicting ideas of how I want to be cute and gothy like that, but feel entirely unable to do so.

Ok, perhaps not entirely, but I feel old and big and NotCute!.

Blech.

During the fiasco in which Cib and I hunted for me a decent coat to combat the insane weather that the Powers That Be have inflicted on us here in the South, I was reminded once again of how much I hate my boobs. :/

Who needs this much boob?! WHY, GOD, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??!!!!!!!!!

But for serious, there's just too much of them. I can deal with being slightly overweight. I can't deal with boobs that have a cup size of "No way in hell will Victoria's Secret ever carry this size".

What's really scary, though, is when I see women who have boobs...natural ones...that are twice my size.

Seriously, wtf?! How...I mean..?!

No, wait, that's not what's scary! What's scary are women who ACTUALLY HAVE SURGERY TO HAVE THIS SIZE OR BIGGER!!

Why on earth would you do that to yourself?! I mean, really!

Now, if you're virtually flat-chested, and you get a nice B, C, or even up to DD, I can respect that. But anything beyond, and I'll start to wonder what the hell is the matter with you.

No decent guy is going to like you more or less because of your boob.

Yes, guys in general will stare at them you more, and you -will- get propositioned more...but damn. How low does your self-esteem have to be?!

Anyways, none of this is really what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to actually talk about how I want a cool, maybe gothy place to go in this city.

I would move but I:

1. Have no money, and no support to lean back on if I do move this time...

2. Am starting to remember why I got so attatched to church functions.

Seriously, I feel that I'm just starting to make some new friendships, and I'm really enjoying that. But I still can't shake this vague feeling that I might be giving up.

I don't like that feeling. Plus, I don't know what it means.

I want to see China again. And I feel all nostalgic every time I see something Asian or hear about a mission trip these days...but do I really want to live in a foreign country right now?

Not really. I think that I'm finally starting to come out of the trauma of a couple of years ago, but I'm also still healing.

It annoys me whenever someone looks at me as if I'm nuts when I tell them what happened back there...or worse, try to convince me that that's not what -really- happened. Ergo, that it wasn't -really- God, that it was all just me culture shocking and/or making shit up.

But they weren't there for it. They weren't in my head, in my skin, and in my life. They don't understand what a terrible shock it is to realize that, not only is the spiritual realm startingly real, but that it's been manipulating you by slowly making you crazy, in order to do what it wants you to do.

It's not a fun thing to realize. And I'm tired of people acting as if I had some kind of choice in the matter.

The biggest problem, though, is coming up with a new plan. I have a vague idea of a couple of things I might like to do, but I'm scared. What if it all bombs again? What if I [dun dun DUUUUN!!] end up not doing God's will?

I want to find my place in this world. I feel like that might be as a writer, but I'm not certain. It just seems so impossible sometimes, that anyone would want to read about the adventures of my characters.

I dunno, but there's one thing for sure: Planet Karen is making me feel a lot better. :)