InsaneJournal

Current location:	work
Current mood:	crazy
Current music:	Lush 3-3 by Underworld on Slacker Radio
Entry tags:	fashion design, gothicity, photography, wedding

Of Low Self-Esteem and Gas Station Junk Food.
I just had a brilliant idea. I think I may just post in this journal, and then link it in my LJ later on when I'm not at work. [It stinks that I can't be on LJ while at work, but I can't blame the IT's; it's a lag-fest over there.]

Of Gas Stations..

I just went to the nearest gas station, because I was falling asleep at work. Literally. You know that kind of tired where you're sitting at your desk, and everything seems just a wee bit too dream-like?

Yeah, that's where I was. I needed coffee...or at least to get out and do something. Anything. As long as it would wake me up. [I thank God every day that I have the kind of job that allows for such a thing.] I went in and to the back, hoping that this time no greasy guys would try to loudly get my attention. [This happened last time, and it was a little unnerving.]

No one did, so I continued on my way. Unfortunately, there was no coffee, except for the cappuccinos which never do me any good as far as waking up is concerned. Instead, I decided to get some fruit juice and something to snack on. The fruit juice was easy, but I was hard-pressed to find something nutritious in a greasy gas station. Eventually I found some cream cheese and crackers, and some trail mix, which is pretty good, I suppose. [I only had two frozen waffles this morning, so I was pretty hungry.]

Besides finding something delectible and nutritious, I've noticed that when I'm dressed nicely, people tend to be a bit more accomodating than if I'm dressed like a bum. I think that some of them would be accomodating regardless, but it just seems heightened when I'm dressed nicely and more...professionally, I suppose.

Plus the Fiance says that this dress looks -really- good on me, so that may be part of it. XD

Of Low Self Image..

I'm not completely sure why, but lately I've felt WAY insecure about my looks. It's not because of the Fiance; he's wonderful, and thinks I'm beautiful. I think it's more that all the girly insecurities I've tried to keep buried throughout the years are rising to the surface at the prospect of my Beloved seeing me naked.

Normally, I wouldn't care if I had gained a little weight, but I feel like I've gained more than a little over the summer, perhaps because I don't have to walk 2 to 4 miles a day from the bus stop to work and back again. I was even slightly tempted by diet drinks, pills, and the like...but I know that's an -extremely- unhealthy way to go.

I feel beautiful if I have the right clothes on, but I don't like my fat rolls. I don't want to be ridiculously large like all the other women in my family, but I seem to be gravitating that direction.

I need exercise, and I would -love- to get my ass out of bed for a walk every morning, but I seem wholly incapable of waking up on time to do it AND get a shower AND get to the fiance's for breakfast AND get to work.

Those last three aren't really a problem; the problem is getting myself out of bed. I think if I could do it a couple of mornings, then it would be really good for me. But I also may need to borrow the Fiance's Zune, so I'll have something to listen to while I'm doing my thing.

Another thing I need is proper attire for such an undertaking; at least a pair of exercise pants and a good pair of sneakers.

Another part of the problem is that my hair is 3 different colors right now; first it's the dark brown where it's growing out, and then it's got the faded colors of my last dye job. Also, it needs a cut. Bad. I don't think it's gotten one since California, and all of you know how long ago THAT was.

To add to that, I keep looking at photos of people who do Victorian Goth, and do it amazingly well:

Absolutely Fantastic Photography.

An Elegant and Fun Picnic.

Viona's Home Art Page.

So I know the way I want to be, but feel a bit ashamed that I'm not anywhere near achieving that goal yet. I don't even know how to use a sewing machine!! >_<

Wait...let me back up. I'm getting ahead of myself. Again.

I want to learn to make my own clothes, mainly because I can't seem to find exactly what I want in any stores...even 'gothic'-oriented ones. Plus, a lot of the fashions I like would be hella expensive to buy, and I'm thinking that if I could make it myself, it would be tons cheaper.

I just get so frustrated when I go shopping; there's a specific look I want to go for, but apparently people in the 18th century were quite....small. And I'm...not. I'm rather buxom, a beauty perhaps in centuries further back than the Victorian Era.

Another alternative I've been thinking of is getting a bit more involved in Civil War reinactments...but only because I've always loved the ladies' fashion of that era. Seriously beautiful clothing. :D I would have gotten involved in it back in my hometown in my younger days, had I not had my ideas about 'being a girl' so screwed up in my head.

For some reason, I've always loathed that part of my brain and heart that 'thinks like a girl'. I couldn't tell you why. I just have. I can't seem to fully accept my femininity, though I do, most definitely, have it.

Perhaps it's that weird militarist, perfectionistic voice in my head that screams, "If you can't do it absolutely, completely RIGHT, then WHAT'S THE POINT OF EVEN TRYING!! You're so stupid and clumsy! How dare you even TRY for such a thing!! You'll screw up, and then everyone will laugh at you, just as you deserve!!"

This is usually the voice that fights me every time I try to improve my appearance. It's very irritating, and I'd love to be rid of it.

Not only that, but I'm terribly impatient, and I'm beginning to freak out over wedding details, and I just want to be moved into his place already, but I can't, and it's that same feeling I had during my last semester in China when I was ready to leave 2 months ahead of time, but still had all that time to kill. :P

Except that, at least here, I have a regular job, so it's not quite so bad.

Anyways, now that the poison is out of my system, maybe I can focus on more realistic goals now. Yippee. :P

~Lady Tam Li~