lady_tam (![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} lady_tam) wrote,@ 2009-01-27 11:40:00 |
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Melancholy.
I've felt really blah for a newleywed lately. I'm worried that it may be because my Paxil isn't working as well as it used to, and that I may need to up the prescription.
While it's all well and good to say "Hey! You don't need medication!", that's simply not true; ever since I started taking the Paxil, I've gained that feeling of control and normality that I sought so long for in every other way.
It's difficult to explain how I feel without it; my emotions take over, and it's hard for the reasonable part of my brain to keep in control. I get -very- easily irritated and angry, and usually it's over things that I know I shouldn't be getting irritated and angry at.
I don't want to feel like I used to. I don't want to be taken hither and yon by my over-working emotions; I want to be in control, knowing that I'm giving the world and my loved ones the best I have to offer.
I have often wondered how my experience overseas would have been different if I had been on Paxil. Would I have taken everything so seriously? Would I have been able to be more open and friendly, and thus more accomplished as a missionary and teacher? Would I have caused less stress to those around me?
And what of that last year? Would I have felt the impending hand of doom all around me? Would I have been so freaked out that I would go home, only to find that my mother was deathly ill? No, I would wager to bet that I would not. I am even tempted to say that, because of my mother alone, it was worth it not to be on the medication.
Even so, I find myself missing the Orient terribly sometimes. I miss having so much time to do exactly as I wanted. I miss having my little apartment all to myself. I miss talking online to my friends for hours on end. Hell, I even miss the role-playing I used to do [even if it all backfired on me in a way].
Perhaps that's why it's taken me until now to feel good about things. I'm married to a wonderful man who is everything I wanted Razi to be, and more. I'm finding out, too, that there are things I can be involved in here that are just as good..and perhaps easier for me...as anything I could do overseas. I'm beginning to realize that I can be myself here just as easily as over there, even if I -do- miss the Orient terribly sometimes.
But boy did I have to go to Hell and back to realize it. It would have been -tons- easier if I at least had the satisfaction that I had dug my -own- grave, but I didn't even have that. As my best friend said to me once, I had to suffer the consequences of other people's sin moreso than having to suffer the consequences of my own sin. [Let this be a lesson: When you do not get help for yourself, you are hurting those around you even more than you hurt yourself.]
But, all of that has to do with things that are in the past, and should be left there. [Though I think it does me a LOT of good to write about this stuff now and again, since the Past rarely ever lets go.
~Lady Tam~
I've felt really blah for a newleywed lately. I'm worried that it may be because my Paxil isn't working as well as it used to, and that I may need to up the prescription.
While it's all well and good to say "Hey! You don't need medication!", that's simply not true; ever since I started taking the Paxil, I've gained that feeling of control and normality that I sought so long for in every other way.
It's difficult to explain how I feel without it; my emotions take over, and it's hard for the reasonable part of my brain to keep in control. I get -very- easily irritated and angry, and usually it's over things that I know I shouldn't be getting irritated and angry at.
I don't want to feel like I used to. I don't want to be taken hither and yon by my over-working emotions; I want to be in control, knowing that I'm giving the world and my loved ones the best I have to offer.
I have often wondered how my experience overseas would have been different if I had been on Paxil. Would I have taken everything so seriously? Would I have been able to be more open and friendly, and thus more accomplished as a missionary and teacher? Would I have caused less stress to those around me?
And what of that last year? Would I have felt the impending hand of doom all around me? Would I have been so freaked out that I would go home, only to find that my mother was deathly ill? No, I would wager to bet that I would not. I am even tempted to say that, because of my mother alone, it was worth it not to be on the medication.
Even so, I find myself missing the Orient terribly sometimes. I miss having so much time to do exactly as I wanted. I miss having my little apartment all to myself. I miss talking online to my friends for hours on end. Hell, I even miss the role-playing I used to do [even if it all backfired on me in a way].
Perhaps that's why it's taken me until now to feel good about things. I'm married to a wonderful man who is everything I wanted Razi to be, and more. I'm finding out, too, that there are things I can be involved in here that are just as good..and perhaps easier for me...as anything I could do overseas. I'm beginning to realize that I can be myself here just as easily as over there, even if I -do- miss the Orient terribly sometimes.
But boy did I have to go to Hell and back to realize it. It would have been -tons- easier if I at least had the satisfaction that I had dug my -own- grave, but I didn't even have that. As my best friend said to me once, I had to suffer the consequences of other people's sin moreso than having to suffer the consequences of my own sin. [Let this be a lesson: When you do not get help for yourself, you are hurting those around you even more than you hurt yourself.]
But, all of that has to do with things that are in the past, and should be left there. [Though I think it does me a LOT of good to write about this stuff now and again, since the Past rarely ever lets go.
~Lady Tam~