InsaneJournal

Current mood:	melancholy
Current music:	Rasputina -- Frustration Plantation

Feeling Melancholy.
Is this really my life?

It may be my Paxil wearing off after 8 months, or it might be the fish and fries I cooked for lunch, or maybe it's just me in general, but I feel like this isn't exactly the life I planned for.

I love love LOVE my husband; if anything has turned out as I wanted, it would be this love I've found with him. That being said though, I think it may be the idea that we're able to get me ahead in life that has me a bit stunned and looking for something to worry about 24/7.

I know that worry is a sin, but when you've lived with the kind of deep worry I have all your life, it's very VERY hard to learn to live without. The most mundane things suddenly become far more important to you than they ever were before. As the possibilities of what you could do, what you could truly become, mount up, you find yourself frightened and looking [however unconsciously] for that familiar darkness and that awful hell you got so used to living in before.

Some folks may not like me describing it that way, but I honestly don't have another word that fits. Those who have lived through the kind of trauma I have understand why; you simply don't want to imagine there being anything worse than that out there in eternity.

Maybe that's part of my Melancholy, too; now that things are so good and so wonderful, it's hard to not expect it to all go horribly and unrepairably awry again, at any moment. Call it what you will, even paranoid....but calling it that doesn't make it any less real of a fear for those like me.

And yet...and yet...I know that living in constant fear is no way to live at all. I enjoy everything good that I have right now, with the full knowledge that it could disappear at any time. And I think the only reason I can face it that way is because of my dogged determination to believe that God is not only real, but that He wants the best for us.

Still...it's hard to trust Him, especially after all that. Did He really have to allow me to go through such horror? I know that there is a division between Him and all of humanity that prevents Him from preventing us from doing such horrid, mean, and awful things to one another and to ourselves. Oh Lord, do you regret giving Mankind Free Will? Is it Free Will that makes us so like yourself? How much of what is called Your Word can we trust? How do I learn to trust you again, without this feeling of terror? How do I get past this un-Godly fear of You? How is it that our Enemy, the Devil, has dominion on the Earth and not You? Do you still love him as well? Is it possible for even Satan to be redeemed?

I have such questions...but I feel that as long as I ask them of Him, as long as I stay in relation to Him, then somehow, some way, that I will be okay in the end, and on the way to the end.

Now if I can just remember all that!

~Lady Tam~